Friday, December 30, 2011

Holiday Nightmares

by Barbara Elsborg


I sometimes think the words – It always happens to me – should be tattooed on my forehead or butt. Yep, on my butt, I don’t want anyone to see them. I don’t like to think of myself as accident prone but the truth is – I am, especially on holidays. The worst thing I ever did was accidentally dance on a dead dog – in my defense it was covered with sand- but since I’d seen the poor mutt no more than fifteen minutes earlier – not covered in sand, you’d have thought my brain – or Brian as I call him – would have registered what lay beneath that tempting soft pile.
I could go on about the passport falling into the sea, the boat I got stuck in a narrow channel, the boat I steered into the quay, the last minute jump onto the passenger ferry that was going the wrong way, the trip on the Greyhound bus where the last seat was next to a guy only wearing underwear – it was snowing outside….but you get the picture.

My worst holiday nightmare was on a snowy vacation in Austria. Husband decided to ski one more time down the slope from hell, while I sensibly decided to go on an organized tour of a glacial cave. Much safer. Yes, you’re fine in ski boots – said the guy in the hut. The ONLY guy who spoke English. I slithered down a steep slope to join a group of ONLY German speaking tourists – none of them in ski boots. I should have turned round. One foot into the cave and I remembered I don’t like enclosed spaces. The tour involved squeezing through narrow passages and descending vertical ladders. My heart was thumping in my mouth and I was so slow I lost sight of the people ahead. I turned the wrong way and in moments was in darkness.

Panic? Me? YES! I swallowed my scream and eventually found the others who were busy taking snaps of the fantastic ice formations. Long story short – I survived. Lesson learned – don’t do things like that on your own, I might have never been missed if I’d slipped and fallen. By the time I’d crawled – and I did have to crawl partly because it was so steep, and partly because my knees were shaking – back up the snowy slope that led down to the cave, I was on the point of hysteria. I spotted my husband and as I mustered the strength to throw myself into his arms, I noticed the color of his face. White.

“I need a hospital. Now. I’ve got a burst appendix.”
Yes, I know men exaggerate and it wasn’t his appendix. It was kidney stones, but he did need a hospital and both in Austria and back in the UK. So it doesn’t always happen to me – it happens to him, too!

**One lucky person will win a copy of my 1NS story - On the Right Track - as well as a copy of my suspense novel - Chosen. In addition I'm going to send 'A taste of England' - a suprise package of foods that are quintessentially English. Now, that's going to work if you're American or Canadian or from somewhere else in the world, but not if you're from the UK. In that case, I'll send a package that is quintessentially American**

25 comments:

  1. Wow, Barbara! You are a BRAVE soul! But just think, you have so many interesting pieces of fodder for your books. ;) I'm glad you don't let those things stop you from experiencing life! Happy New Year!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Wow, you have had some mishaps. It's great that you don't let that stop you from doing new things. Happy New Year!

    e.balinski(at)att(dot)net

    ReplyDelete
  3. Ha ha, I love how you've worked versions of these disasters into your stories, Barb. And, like rotton moms everywhere, your son seems to have inherited the calamity gene. Merry Christmas, my friend. My print copy of Chosen is taking its sweet time coming in the mail, but surely by next year and I cant wait to read the wonderful problems filtering from your Brian, aka brain, to the page in 2012. Interesting you refer to Brian as a him, though.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I thought I was the only one that had that syndrome...LOL
    I have tried to catch my house on fire because of the stove. I have tried to get into the wrong hotel room on vactions. The list goes on. I sometimes think that the Universe likes to pick certain people and screw with their minds...LOL
    Happy New Years!!

    koonie2888 at yahoo dot com

    ReplyDelete
  5. Oh, Valerie, so sorry! At least you have good stories to tell. Kidney stones are AWFUL!!! 1000 times WORSE than childbirth (I did gave birth without meds so I CAN say this in complete honesty)...hope your hubby NEVER passes another!

    Have a great and SAFE 2012!!

    books4me67 at ymail dot com

    ReplyDelete
  6. I'm the same way.I always say, if something bad is gonna happen its going to happen to me. And it does.Those are some encounters you had.


    Happy New Year
    elaing8(at)netscape(dot)net

    ReplyDelete
  7. Wow! I usually end up with a cold or a broken toe over the holidays, but nothing that climatic.

    All the best to you in 2012, Barbara! :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. Wow! If I had holidays like that, I'd stay home and lock myself in my room. You are a far braver woman than me! *hugs*

    ReplyDelete
  9. Wow. And I thought being sick for Christmas all the time was bad.


    Thanks,
    Tracey D
    booklover0226 at gmail dot com

    ReplyDelete
  10. Thanks for your comments, everyone! And yep, husband swears the kidney stones were the worst thing ever and darn it, now I have to accept they're worse than childbirth! Mind you, I did dislocate my shoulder the first time I tried to play golf and that REALLY hurt. They wanted to pull off my sweater and said - cut it off! Only after they'd pumped me full of morphine and put the shoulder back in, did I register it was one of my favorite sweaters. Sigh.....

    ReplyDelete
  11. I am clumsy too! Generally, I will just fall or trip or drop something. I have shocked that I have not had any broken bones, and no stitches since kindergarten. That I know of, I haven't danced on a dead dog though. My your luck get much better in the future. Have a wonderful new year!
    manning_j2004 at yahoo dot com

    ReplyDelete
  12. I share your pain...could it have something to do with our name? I've been known to create...and suffer through a few of my own disasters! And been told over and over again that I should write things down, 'cause no one would believe me! It's to the point where folks...expect me to share a story of some kind of mishap...or an incident of when I stuck my foot in my mouth...AGAIN. Geez. :/ Happy New Year! :)

    barbbattaglia at yahoo dot com

    ReplyDelete
  13. My husband and I were in Puerto Rico snorkeling with a tour group. We joked on the boat about Open Water and being left behind. Well that joke almost came true. Husband and I were so engrossed in checking out a reef that we didn't notice we were the only ones in the water. We finally heard the horn signalling we needed to get back. Thankfully they did a head count and realized they were two short. While our incidents don't happen on holidays, they do happen while on vacation.
    Have a wonderful New Year!!

    elena(at)elenagray.com

    ReplyDelete
  14. Bless your heart. How terrible. On my last trip to Europe I wasn't feeling very well. I hacked and coughed all over Italy. When I got back to the states I found out I had a bacterial infection in my lungs. No wonder I had been feeling so miserable.

    geishasmom73 AT yahoo DOT com

    ReplyDelete
  15. Man when you & your husband go on the vacation from hell, you do not mess around. Glad hubby survived his kidney stones. I had those myself a year & a half ago, I would not wish them on my worst enemy.

    drainbamaged.gyzmo at gmail.com

    ReplyDelete
  16. Hopefully your next visit to Austria will be a little less dramatic!

    Thanks for the giveaway!

    jcross719 at yahoo dot com

    ReplyDelete
  17. Wow! What a holiday! You poor thing. I dont think ive ever expierenced anything like that. lol Ive broken the same toe 3 times or is it 4? lol Im a bit clumsy.. I hope next time, you have a lot more fun! And less ouchies...lol Happy new years! (Pst..im from usa) Thanks for the great giveaway!
    shadowluvs2read(at)gmail(dot)com

    ReplyDelete
  18. You are so NOT alone...LOL. Even my hubby tells me..."...only you...."*S*
    It's the story of my life. Living in the interior of Alaska has taught me many things...and it that DO NOT form attachments to things that you love or crave as sure hell you will find it...only to have "it" not to be found in Alaska again.
    Simple thing..like Mango Gatorade. Wine cheese. Sharp macaroni & cheese...of any brand.
    I could go on about incidents even before we moved to Alaska like every time my DH went out of town my vehicle would break down and would have to send out a rescue call to anyone willing come save me...lol
    Wishing you a very Happy New Year...and isn't it grand to know that you are not alone....*grinning*.
    Thank you!

    Darcy
    pommawolf @hotmail.com

    ReplyDelete
  19. Fun post, Barbara. I feel your pain. Wishing you a very happy New Year.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Thanks, everyone!! Good to know I'm not the only one and Happy New Year to all of you, too!!!

    ReplyDelete
  21. I feel for you and am glad I did nothing this holiday. Every time my family plans something there's always an issue comes up. So I wish all of us a better 2012.

    joderjo402 AT gmail DOT com

    ReplyDelete
  22. That's a good plan, Joder. A happy new year to all of us - I'm spending it quietly, looking at Disney's fireworks from a distance of seven miles!!! A free show and easy to hop into bed afterwards. That's assuming I stay awake long enough which will be a miracle to be honest!

    ReplyDelete
  23. June - You're the winner! I'll email you. Thanks so much to everyone for taking part and commenting. I really appreciate it.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Sweetheart...
    I know why you're having nightmares:
    STOP sinning,
    START living the Life.
    Looky...

    ‘philanthropic + epiphany’ (=so much to give + vision):
    ~let these two words be the start of your journey~

    I looove RITErs;
    I looove giving'm new opportunities
    for thots/ideas/structural integrity,
    taking'm in a completely-new-direction:

    Why else does a moth fly FROM the night
    than to a bold, attractive candle Light??
    Don’t let His extravagant Brilliance be extinguished.
    You’re creative, yes?
    Then, fly-away with U.S. to the antidote…

    Whether you obtain moralityB4mortality to wiseabove
    or just glean tantalizing specimens for thy next best seller,
    you shall find in our blogs a lotta (subliminal) moxie
    which has taken this sinfull mortal yeeeeers to compile!
    I lay it ALL out for you, dear, with All-Star-Oxygems:

    Wouldn’t ya love an endless eternity
    of aplomBombs falling on thy indelible cranium?
    An XtraXcitinXpose with no zooillogical-expiration-date?
    An IQ much higher than K2 all-go-rhythm?
    An anti-establishment, savvy victory +
    avant-guarde-humility =
    you’re promptly astonished, ain’tcha?
    withe extraordinarily explosion of maelstrom mellowdramatic??
    Here’s what the exquisite, prolific GODy sed
    (with a most-excellent-detector of bull§ht):

    “Faith, hope, and love,
    the greatest of these is love –
    jump into faith…
    and you’ll VitSee with love”
    Doesn’t matter if you don’t believe (what I write);
    God believes in you.

    Meet me Upstairs, girl, where the Son never goes down
    from a super-passionate, lucrative iconoclasm where you’ll find
    nonillionsXnonillionsXnonillionsXnonillionsXnonillionsX…
    of deluxe-HTTP [<- pi] opportunities for excitement BTW.

    Do it. Do the deed, dude. Sign into the Big-Zaftig-House.

    PS “It is impossible that anyone should NOT receive all that they have believed and hoped to obtain; it gives Me great pleasure when they hope great things from Me and I will always give them more than they expect”
    -our Lord Jesus to Saint Gertrude

    ...think about it, girl:
    if 1-outta-1 perishes in 88ish years;
    then, how WE sinfull mortals have lived
    is where we go for eternity, Up or Down,
    Seventh-Heaven or the Abyss o'Misery.
    Life is extremely tough now…
    yet, life’s extremely short now.
    And Satan’s working overtime.
    I Choose Heaven.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Sweetheart...
    I know why you're having nightmares:
    STOP sinning,
    START living the Life.
    Looky...

    ‘philanthropic + epiphany’ (=so much to give + vision):
    ~let these two words be the start of your journey~

    I looove RITErs;
    I looove giving'm new opportunities
    for thots/ideas/structural integrity,
    taking'm in a completely-new-direction:

    Why else does a moth fly FROM the night
    than to a bold, attractive candle Light??
    Don’t let His extravagant Brilliance be extinguished.
    You’re creative, yes?
    Then, fly-away with U.S. to the antidote…

    Whether you obtain moralityB4mortality to wiseabove
    or just glean tantalizing specimens for thy next best seller,
    you shall find in our blogs a lotta (subliminal) moxie
    which has taken this sinfull mortal yeeeeers to compile!
    I lay it ALL out for you, dear, with All-Star-Oxygems:

    Wouldn’t ya love an endless eternity
    of aplomBombs falling on thy indelible cranium?
    An XtraXcitinXpose with no zooillogical-expiration-date?
    An IQ much higher than K2 all-go-rhythm?
    An anti-establishment, savvy victory +
    avant-guarde-humility =
    you’re promptly astonished, ain’tcha?
    withe extraordinarily explosion of maelstrom mellowdramatic??
    Here’s what the exquisite, prolific GODy sed
    (with a most-excellent-detector of bull§ht):

    “Faith, hope, and love,
    the greatest of these is love –
    jump into faith…
    and you’ll VitSee with love”
    Doesn’t matter if you don’t believe (what I write);
    God believes in you.

    Meet me Upstairs, girl, where the Son never goes down
    from a super-passionate, lucrative iconoclasm where you’ll find
    nonillionsXnonillionsXnonillionsXnonillionsXnonillionsX…
    of deluxe-HTTP [<- pi] opportunities for excitement BTW.

    Do it. Do the deed, dude. Sign into the Big-Zaftig-House.

    PS “It is impossible that anyone should NOT receive all that they have believed and hoped to obtain; it gives Me great pleasure when they hope great things from Me and I will always give them more than they expect”
    -our Lord Jesus to Saint Gertrude

    ...think about it, girl:
    if 1-outta-1 perishes in 88ish years;
    then, how WE sinfull mortals have lived
    is where we go for eternity, Up or Down,
    Seventh-Heaven or the Abyss o'Misery.
    Life is extremely tough now…
    yet, life’s extremely short now.
    And Satan’s working overtime.
    I Choose Heaven.

    ReplyDelete