Monday, December 26, 2011

The Holiday Hangover

by Katie Harper

It’s OK, we all know where you are and what you’re doing right now. You’re sitting on your couch in your pajamas staring at the mess of wrapping paper and bows leftover from yesterday’s orgy of greed. And it’s 3:00 in the afternoon. Christmas can suck the life out of you faster than that machine Wesley gets strapped to in The Princess Bride. There are ways of combatting the holiday hangover. Follow these simple steps and you will be on your way to sobriety.

Step One: Nog that shit
I’m gonna go out on a limb and say you imbibed yesterday. If you didn’t, I’d like to know one thing, how the hell did you act excited when Aunt Gert gave you another horrible holiday sweater? This step is based on the hair of the dog method of hangoverology. Egg nog is the beverage of Christmas. Add a shot of Southern Comfort and you’ve got yourself holiday cheer in a glass. Too much cheer can be bad. It can cause headaches, nausea, the desire to neck punch anyone who speaks above a whisper, and YouTube videos that guarantee you will never be asked to play Mary in another church Christmas pageant. The best way to cure an alcohol hangover is to stay drunk. Problem solved.

Step Two: Eviction day
If your family is anything like mine, you have a handful of interlopers taking up space on your living room floor. Why do people think it’s a good idea to stay with family on Christmas? I’m totally OK with loved ones stopping by for a bit on the big day, but Christmas is no time for prolonged family interaction. We’ve all seen the holiday classic National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. Clark Griswold wants an old fashioned family Christmas so he invites his parents and in-laws to join his happy little family for the “Hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap danced with Danny fu@%ing Kaye”. When his cousin shows up with his kids, who remind you of a family tree with a loop in one of the branches, his plans deteriorate fast. He goes from flirting with the lingerie girl at Macy’s to a full-on SWAT Emergency Response Team breaching his home to rescue Clark’s boss who cheated him out of his Christmas bonus. It’s time for your loved ones to get the hell out of your house. In the nicest way possible suggest that they might be more comfortable sleeping in their own bed. If nice doesn’t work, you can always fire a shotgun into the air and say, “You’ve got till the count of three.” Problem solved. 

Step Three: Get real 
My mom believes it’s possible to have a Norman Rockwell Christmas. Every year she tries to make all her loved ones happy. She wants the family to gather round the table, share a meal, and focus on the true meaning of Christmas. And every year she fails. Norman Rockwell didn’t have six grandkids who’ve been mainlining Pixi Sticks and playing the new UFC XBOX Kinnect game for six straight hours. He didn’t have grown kids who, by 10:00 am, had given up on the whole parenting thing. He didn’t stay up until 3:00 in the morning trying to put together the three thousand piece Disney Princess Dream Castle. 
My house turns into Lord of the Flieson Christmas by noon. If it weren’t for the mass quantities of finger foods, the kids would resort to cannibalism pretty damn quick. The mess involved with all the festivities makes Hoarders look like a documentary on healthy living. It takes days to clean up. This year, I’m not doing it. I’m striking a match and letting the whole heaping pile burn baby burn.

Follow these three simple steps and you’ll be ready to face the world. Now, get your ass off that couch, take a shower, brush your teeth because, damn, your breath stinks, and get yourself to the mall. You have after Christmas sales to tackle.


"Leave a comment and you could be the lucky recipient of four smokin' hot marines! Nothing says Happy Holidays like muscle, guns, and an I-will-shoot-you-in-the-face-if-you-eat-the-last-crescent-roll attitude."

17 comments:

  1. I'm sure you had a wonderful holiday, Katie! ;) I'm a little bit obsessed and got all of the paper and people cleaned up yesterday. Today, I just have to clean up all of the spilt drinks and leftover food, and figure out what to do with all of the toys my kids received.

    All the best!

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  2. OMG! Loved that post; it made me laugh aloud.

    Well, I guess I better go and brush my teeth!

    Thanks,
    Tracey D
    booklover0226 at gmail dot com

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  3. Lovely post! It would have been me - BUT - son has broken his foot, husband is coughing up his guts and the generous soul has given the flu to me! I have a house full of guests and zero energy. But the shower and coffee have helped!

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  4. Great post. Love the shotgun/count of 3 way of dealing with (getting rid of) family. Had me LOL! Hope you had a great holiday!
    June M.
    manning_j2004 at yahoo dot com

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  5. I will be taking all your suggestions into consideration for next year...LOL
    Thank you for the laugh today, I sure did need it.

    koonie2888 at yahoo dot com

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  6. LOL! That was an awesome post. I need to get out of the house if for no other reason than to get away from the left overs. I can't stop eating!

    geishasmom73 AT yahoo DOT com

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  7. LOL...Great post and tips.
    My family is already gone,house is clean and no hangovers :)

    elaing8(at)netscape(dot)net

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  8. Great post and a reason why I'm not that bummed that I spent the holidays by myself. Too many people can really make for a nightmarish day with all the noise and mini arguments.

    I hope everyone had a nice holiday!

    joderjo402 AT gmail DOT com

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  9. I've given up trying to create order out of all of the toys. I'll deal with it for the rest of the week, then when the kids are at school it will be tucked away in their rooms.

    elena(at)elenagray.com

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  10. We had the wrapping paper cleaned up ten minutes after unopening. The food though... Its everywhere! And people still keeping bringing us more!

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  11. LOL... i haven't laughed so hard in a very long time....Thank YOU!
    I am blessed with two adult children who bless their hearts know better that to leave a mess where I have to even tell them to get off their a**e's and get the mess picked up. Our son was with his children on this Xmas day as they are no longer together as hubby and wife. A good thing in this situation as I'm still adjusting to their surprise separation before Turkey Day. Believe me when I say I loved my MIL as she was my very best friend before we lost her in 1989. Future ex DIL could have been a good daughter had she not done the unforgivable before Halloween....so let us just say we pull together my family 4 as we have most of their life...*S*
    Thank you so much for the laughter...as I so loved it and needed it...*S*...LOL

    Darcy
    pommawolf @hotmail.com

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  12. Katie, you always know how to brighten my day. It's me on the couch playing the xbox 360 today with a good book near by for when I am sick of vegging. Thanks for the reminder to brush my teeth and shower will do that right after I kill a few more things...thanks for your unique outlook and the laughs...:D

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  13. I am holding my sides. You slay me! (nice gratuitous Princess Bride reference, too. *fist bump*)

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  14. lol awesome post! boy, did i need that laugh! thank you! happy holidays!
    shadowluvs2read(at)gmail(dot)com

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  15. LOL I *still* have people here. Forty more hours. Forty more hours... :P Hope you had a great holiday!

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  16. Snort...great post.

    I could definately use 4 smoking hot marines. Semper Fi, baby.

    drainbamaged.gyzmo at gmail.com

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