The Holiday Hangover

by Katie Harper

It’s OK, we all know where you are and what you’re doing right now. You’re sitting on your couch in your pajamas staring at the mess of wrapping paper and bows leftover from yesterday’s orgy of greed. And it’s 3:00 in the afternoon. Christmas can suck the life out of you faster than that machine Wesley gets strapped to in The Princess Bride. There are ways of combatting the holiday hangover. Follow these simple steps and you will be on your way to sobriety.

Step One: Nog that shit

I’m gonna go out on a limb and say you imbibed yesterday. If you didn’t, I’d like to know one thing, how the hell did you act excited when Aunt Gert gave you another horrible holiday sweater? This step is based on the hair of the dog method of hangoverology. Egg nog is the beverage of Christmas. Add a shot of Southern Comfort and you’ve got yourself holiday cheer in a glass. Too much cheer can be bad. It can cause headaches, nausea, the desire to neck punch anyone who speaks above a whisper, and YouTube videos that guarantee you will never be asked to play Mary in another church Christmas pageant. The best way to cure an alcohol hangover is to stay drunk. Problem solved.

Step Two: Eviction day

If your family is anything like mine, you have a handful of interlopers taking up space on your living room floor. Why do people think it’s a good idea to stay with family on Christmas? I’m totally OK with loved ones stopping by for a bit on the big day, but Christmas is no time for prolonged family interaction. We’ve all seen the holiday classic National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. Clark Griswold wants an old fashioned family Christmas so he invites his parents and in-laws to join his happy little family for the “Hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap danced with Danny fu@%ing Kaye”. When his cousin shows up with his kids, who remind you of a family tree with a loop in one of the branches, his plans deteriorate fast. He goes from flirting with the lingerie girl at Macy’s to a full-on SWAT Emergency Response Team breaching his home to rescue Clark’s boss who cheated him out of his Christmas bonus. It’s time for your loved ones to get the hell out of your house. In the nicest way possible suggest that they might be more comfortable sleeping in their own bed. If nice doesn’t work, you can always fire a shotgun into the air and say, “You’ve got till the count of three.” Problem solved. 

Step Three: Get real 

My mom believes it’s possible to have a Norman Rockwell Christmas. Every year she tries to make all her loved ones happy. She wants the family to gather round the table, share a meal, and focus on the true meaning of Christmas. And every year she fails. Norman Rockwell didn’t have six grandkids who’ve been mainlining Pixi Sticks and playing the new UFC XBOX Kinnect game for six straight hours. He didn’t have grown kids who, by 10:00 am, had given up on the whole parenting thing. He didn’t stay up until 3:00 in the morning trying to put together the three thousand piece Disney Princess Dream Castle. 

My house turns into Lord of the Flieson Christmas by noon. If it weren’t for the mass quantities of finger foods, the kids would resort to cannibalism pretty damn quick. The mess involved with all the festivities makes Hoarders look like a documentary on healthy living. It takes days to clean up. This year, I’m not doing it. I’m striking a match and letting the whole heaping pile burn baby burn.

Follow these three simple steps and you’ll be ready to face the world. Now, get your ass off that couch, take a shower, brush your teeth because, damn, your breath stinks, and get yourself to the mall. You have after Christmas sales to tackle.

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